Evangeline Eames

Dear Readers,

Welcome to issue 18 of FEMDOM Magazine! It’s been a wild ride….

I vividly remember walking through the grounds of The Dominion late in 2008 and running in to our now Managing Editor Madeleine Broome. She said something along the lines of, “Hey, I think I can help on your magazine.” To say I didn’t know what I was doing would be a gross understatement. I had put the call out for help with a magazine, but past the initial thought had little idea of how to proceed. Madeleine talked about things like “good writing,” “standards,” and “objectivity.” My mind reeled at all the things I hadn’t considered.

“Holy shit,” I thought. “I better get my act together and take her up on this.”

It’s horrid to think what this magazine would have been like if Madeleine, with her real life journalistic education and experience, hadn’t taken pity on me. So to Madeleine, who is as much, if not more, responsible than anyone for making FEMDOM Magazine happen for over three years, thank you. Thank you for keeping us honest, keeping us fair, pushing us to raise the bar and for maintaining our standards. We couldn’t have done it without you.

When we put out our very first issue of FEMDOM Magazine we had no idea about publishing programs or even how to produce a magazine inworld. Our Creative Director, Maztor Giles, took it upon himself to figure it all out, from cutting, pasting, and photoshopping every single page (well over 100) of our first issue to custom building the scripts for the inworld version. Maz gave the magazine its look and style and continued to make amazing improvements over three years. Thank you Maz for your support with the magazine, for putting up with my last minute “emergency” demands, and for everything you have done to make this project happen. We couldn’t have done it without you, either.

To the staff of FEMDOM Magazine, past and present, who have worked tirelessly with little thanks and no compensation, thank you. You did the heavy lifting and the legwork. You came up with the image and story ideas, then went out and made them happen. Thank you for your support to me personally, and for the contributions you have made to the greater Femdom community in and out of Second Life. I am immensely proud of what we have produced together. What else can I say, but well done everyone!

As we announced in issue 17, this will be our last “regular” issue. We look forward to special releases and occasional articles on our website, FEMDOMmag.com, but in future will publish when inspired, not according to any deadline. Content from our previous issues and special features will remain on our website. Until our next release we hope you’ll take time to catch up on some of the outstanding articles and photo features you may have missed during our 3+ years of publication. The website, www.FEMDOMmag.com, will remain active indefinitely. We hope you, dear readers, our supporters and cheerleaders, will continue to enjoy our work. Thank YOU for your support and kind words. You’ve made it all worthwhile.

Until next time,

Eva

Madeleine Broome

Dear Readers,

Lately, I’ve found myself at discussions about whether Femdom organizations are needed within the general BDSM community. Is there any point in reveling in our uniqueness? Are we really as unique as we think we are? We faced the same sorts of questions when we began the endeavor that became FEMDOM Magazine. What is there to say about Femdom in a whole magazine? And how could you possibly do it more than once?

What struck me most during my stint as the Managing Editor was how often I heard or read some variation of “I grew up sure I was the only one who felt this way” or “It wasn’t until I found [the Internet . . my local BDSM group. . . that one significant other. . .] that I realized other women felt this way.” In my heart, I am hoping our magazine has figured into at least a couple of those “ah ha” moments. That is the beauty of Femdom-specific groups and publications: We’re not saying anything new about BDSM. We’re saying something new about women.

Immersing myself in this project for these 18 issues allowed me to discover a world of women the depths of which no one really imagined.  Here I met women who were not “dominant” because they were fulfilling some man’s sexual fantasy. They were Dominant because it pleased them to be. Although they had the stunning audacity to enjoy sex, their Dominance wasn’t solely sexual. Because they bucked nearly all societal assumptions, they had thought about the ramifications of their choice. They didn’t define their roles because of the presence or absence of a submissive, but on the presence or absence of personal drive. Their stories touched on what it means not just to be a woman and not just to be a Dominant, but what it meant to stand on the interstice of the two and insist the world accept you for it.

The magazine has given you a start, but we’re all ready to take on new challenges. Believe me when I say, though, that Femdom is still writing and talking about. Its mysteries are still out there to be explored. I challenge you Dear Readers to go out and find them for yourself.

–30–

MB

By Janice Jupiter

FEMDOM Magazine photographer Janice Jupiter pays homage to some of her favourite films, all with a femdom twist.

Grease

Breakfast At Tiffany's

Basic Instinct

The Matrix

Kill Bill

Gone With The Wind

By Nuala MacMoragh
Photo by Kim Dench

“And so it was that later,
as the miller told his tale,
that her face, at first just ghostly,
turned a whiter shade of pale”

–from “A Whiter Shade of Pale” by Procol Harum

The bawdy Miller’s Tale, part of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, is one of the most familiar and enduring references to cuckolding.

As the story goes, the Miller, quite drunk and thus not responsible for the colorful nature of his story, recounts how a carpenter named John is humiliated by his much younger wife, Alisoun’s infidelity. Alisoun is seduced by the attentions of a clever student named Nicholas, who has rented accommodations in the couples’ home. Nicholas convinces John to build hanging boats for the three of them to sleep in separately, lest a flood such as the one experienced by Noah of biblical fame, happen upon them. After John settles into his boat to sleep for the night, Nicholas and Alisoun proceed to carry out their infidelity, only to be interrupted by another suitor whose attentions Alisoun has shunned.

When the new suitor begs Alison for a kiss through a small window, she presents him with her asshole instead of her lips. Realizing the prank, the suitor returns with a hot poker, requesting another kiss, only this time Nicholas presents his ass and farts in the suitor’s face. The enraged suitor burns Nicholas with the poker. Nicholas cries out for water, John thinks the flood is upon them and cuts the ties to his hanging boat bed, causing it to topple to the floor. The neighbors, upon hearing the calamity, rush in, finding John in a boat with a broken arm and consider him insane, and a cuckold to boot.

The word cuckold originates from the name of the “cuckoo” bird, in reference to the female bird’s reputed habit of taking on a variety of mates, as well as laying her eggs in the nests of other birds. The same bird is familiarly referenced in the 1975 film, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” which deals with themes of mental illness. Derivative words like “kook” and “kooky,” used to label someone who is quirky, crazy, or foolish, also originate from the bird’s name, giving it a derogatory slant. The modern word derives from the old English “kekewold,” borrowing from Old french “cuccault”–a combination of the word “cuccu” referring to the female bird, and the pejorative suffix “ault,” pointing to the scorned and humiliated mate of the adulterous bird.

The Cuckhold and The Lover by Kim Dench

A Lexicon of Cuckolding Terms

cuckold, or cuck: the partner, or husband, who enjoys and often encourages his wife to cheat.
hot wife, cuckoldress: the wife or girlfriend of a cuckold
bull: the well-endowed lover of the cuckold’s wife.
mandingo: a Black bull
size queen: a woman who is particularly desirous of well-endowed men
beta male: a man who desires to be cuckolded; “beta” references his inferiority to the bull, or “alpha” male.
real man, or real cock: refers to the bull and his superior, or “real” appendage. “Real cock” refers to endowments of at least 8 inches or longer, although desires for even larger sizes are not uncommon.
BBC: A commonly used acronym, referring to big, black cock
fluff: a term often used in the pornographic film industry, referring to the process of keeping the male actor’s erect between scenes, either via a handjob or a blowjob. Often used in cuckolding to refer to having the cuckold “fluff” the bull for the wife.
cream pie: a woman’s inseminated vagina
clean up duty: it’s considered the cuck’s job to lick up the ejaculate of the bull, often in the form of a cream pie.
SPH: an acronym referring to small penis humiliation, often an eroticized part humiliating the cuckold.
bitch: another term for the cuckold to denote his subservient role.
slut: though derogatory sounding, it’s a term that’s often used to describe the cuckoldress, which she often claims with pride.

As a Second Life escort and NiteFlirt phone sex operator, I was surprised to find cuckolding to be one of the most popularly sought out fantasies of articulate, attractive, educated men.

“I want you to be a naughty girl, darling” said one customer to me during an animated text role play in Second Life, after buying a sexy dress for me to wear out on my fantasy date. “Tell me how you went out and cheated on me,” he continued, while sliding up the dress and proceeding to orally clean up the “evidence” left by my prior fantasy lovers. The desire to serve a dominant, sexually voracious, superior woman appears to be a common theme amongst cuckolds. With few variations, I’ve played out the scenario of the cheating wife coming home to the encouraging, doting husband many a time. My customers are often highly successful men, at least by their own reports — CEOs, CFOs, day traders, doctors and business owners, who thrive on erotic humiliation, seeking out the role of the cuck.

Supporting my experience, a 2010 article by journalist Anneli Rufus for The Daily Beast http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2010/07/29/cuckolding-the-sex-fetish-for-intellectuals.html dubs cuckolding as “The Intellectual Fetish.” With 147960 members on cuckold-forum.net, several dedicated interest groups on FetLife, and cuckoldplace.com boasting “91241 registered members can’t be wrong,” cuckolding is more than just a marginalized paraphilia.

Less frequently, I will get a caller seeking the role of the bull — usually identifying as a young, well-hung Black male, whose language is course and rough.

“I want to rip open that sweet, white pussy of yours,” one caller told me, “while that pathetic faggot husband of yours watches. I’ll give you some real dick, baby.”

Most websites catering to the cuckold fetish show photos of a white woman being ravaged by a muscular Black male, indicating a preoccupation with “big, black cock.”

“Bigotry — and a dose of white guilt — lie at the heart of any racialized fetish: black men, despite their ’superior’ sexual prowess, are debased and eroticized, and believed to pose less of a threat because the wives would supposedly never date them,” according to journalist Kai Ma in her 2007 article “Take My Wife, Please” published on Nerve.com.(http://www.nerve.com/dispatches/ma/cuckold)

Some of my customers simply want to fantasize about what it would be like to be cuckolded by a strong, dominant woman, while others claim to be actually living the lifestyle, or have memories of being cuckolded that they crave to relive through recollection.

“It’s like having live porn happening right in your bedroom,” says Bob, one of my frequent callers, who purports being a cuckold.

Unlike swinging or voyeurism, the cuck is not allowed to participate, or at least not with his cock. Bob embraces the cuckold lifestyle, and even though Bob no longer is allowed to penetrate his wife, any feelings of jealousy are overridden by the many other benefits that Bob claims he enjoys. Like many cucks I’ve spoken with, Bob’s penis is smaller than average at “about 5 inches,” he tells me. What Bob lacks in the dick department, though, he makes up for in wealth and emotional connection.

“We’re very compatible in most ways,” Bob tells me, referring to his relationship with his wife. Like Alisoun in the Miller’s Tale, Bob’s wife is much younger, and in great physical condition.

“She’s a world class fuck,” Bob claims proudly.

Bob’s wife allows him to call me to help relieve his sexual tension. During our calls, Bob articulately recounts details of the previous weekend’s festivities in a soft southern lilt. And while it could be an elaborate fantasy to he’s concocted to titillate himself, his story is water-tight and consistent over time–I believe him.

Bob talks about his history with his wife’s sexually voracious appetite.

“She told me that if I wanted to be with her, I had to learn to share the pussy.” Bob describes how initially he would hide in the closet and jerk off while his wife brought home other men. When she made her partners aware of Bob’s consent and eagerness to be present, “I was surprised at how okay they were with it,” he tells me.

“We have a stable of well-hung guys,” Bob tells me, answering my concern about safety, as bareback sex is often a part of the thrill of the cuckold lifestyle. “They’ve agreed to stay within our little circle.”

And it’s not just Bob’s wife that the bulls enjoy. Like many cucks, Bob was urged by his wife to “fluff” her partners, and often services them orally if she is not available.

“I was surprised by how much I enjoy sucking cock,” Bob confided, after elaborating on how he was progressively seduced into it, after first being made to eat other men’s ejaculate out of his wife’s sex. Dirty talk is often common in the cuckolding power exchange, and Bob’s wife is no exception.

“She teased me about enjoying the taste of another man’s cum.” Eventually she had him taking it direct from the source. “I was also surprised by how many guys are ok with being sucked by another man,” he continues, chuckling.

Ron, a long time Second Life customer of mine shared his experience of becoming cuckolded by a past girlfriend. Ron, a successful software entrepreneur, met the woman at work, while he was still employed by his mother.

“Really, she was pretty average looking, but she was confident,” he tells me. “She was a cock tease, and she acted like she could have any man she wanted. She also dressed in a slutty kind of way.”

I’d spoken with Ron on web cam many times and found him adorable in a somewhat nerdy sort of way. Ron explained further that he had a history of desiring strong women who would take advantage of him. “I’d do anything to please her,” he told me.

Over time, Ron found that what he had to offer — a smaller-than-average penis, and short sexual endurance — left his girlfriend unsatisfied.

“She actually laughed at me one time after sex. She told me that she couldn’t even feel my dick.” Ron was angry but at the same time, strangely aroused by her humiliation. “She had me buy a strapon to fuck her with. That seemed okay for a few weeks and then she started complaining that it didn’t feel the same as a real dick.”

Desperate for satisfaction, his girlfriend called a well-endowed boyfriend, and told Ron that she was going to meet him for sex.

“I was so pissed,” he told me. “It drove me crazy. I was enraged with jealousy, and yet it made my dick so hard.”

He begged her not to do it, but she went out anyway, choosing to spend the night with her old lover in a hotel room. When I asked Ron why he didn’t break up with her, he said “she had a strange pull over me. I felt like I needed her. And the drama of the situation gave me something else to focus on besides work.” Ron explained that he was starting up a company at the time, and the risks associated with it horrified him. “When she came home, she jerked me off while telling me the details of what he’d done with her. I felt confused about how turned on I was by it,” he continued.

“I realized that I wanted to see her being fucked by him,” he told me.

The next weekend, he coaxed his girlfriend into letting him be the designated driver as she and her lover went barhopping. Her lover was reluctant to allow Ron to watch them, and so Ron ended up dropping them off at hotel room and going home alone. Eventually Ron’s girlfriend was able to coax her lover into coming home with her.

“They told me that I couldn’t come into the bedroom.” Ron was left to listen to them out in the living room. “It made me insane. She made noises I’d never heard her make before.”

The next day they left the door cracked, and eventually, after much pleading, they allowed Ron into the room. “They told me I could jerk off while watching, but that if I came I would have to leave. I got off in about three minutes. I remember obediently leaving the room, although neither of them were paying attention to me at that point.”

The next time Ron was allowed to watch, “she told me to put his cock into her.” He wasn’t allowed to touch himself until they were finished. “Then she pulled the condom off of him and made me jerk off with his cum. It was so humiliating.”

At that point, Ron’s girlfriend used his past activities as leverage to blackmail him into more humiliating acts.

“She made me suck his cock,” he confided sheepishly.

When I asked Ron about why he thought the bull would agree to having his cock sucked by another guy, Ron explained, “he was mean. He enjoyed humiliating me.”

According to Ron, the bull was really rough with his girlfriend, too.

“He was like an animal with her. He called her a ’slut.’ And by the sounds she was making– she loved it.”

For a while, Ron’s girlfriend kept him in chastity while she sought out other pursuits, which he explained made him feel even more submissive to her. Their relationship has long been over, yet Ron continues to seek out a cuckoldress, and is no longer able to enjoy a more traditional vanilla relationship.

Cliff, another one of my long time Second Life customers, explains that his interest in cuckolding developed over time while engaging in naughty text role plays with various women via IRC. Cliff, a well-paid software consultant in his early 30’s, is an articulate, creative role player whose emoting skills challenge mine during our text sessions.

“There was a girl with whom I’d had a rather long-term online/phone only relationship. One day we were chatting online, and I was getting a little frisky with her, but she wasn’t engaging, and instead she started teasing me,” Cliff explains. “We had done a lot of gang bang role plays together. Finally, I asked her if she’d like to bring some guys home and fuck them, and she said, ‘nope’ as in – she wasn’t going to elaborate on it. And then I asked, ‘What if I just watched you with them?’ and she told me she loved that idea. That was the first time where I started to really get aroused by my woman seeking out other men without me being directly involved.”

Cliff went on to tell about how a role play with a former partner started to include taunts about his inadequate size. Like many cuckolds, Cliff’s fantasies include an element of small penis humiliation.

“She was playing with the two guys’ cocks and for some reason I felt a sort of rush. I asked her if she liked their cocks and if she thought they were bigger than mine. She said that yes, that she LOVED them, and that she KNEW they were bigger than mine.”

I asked Cliff how he felt about the kind of woman who had such a strong and unabashed sexual appetite.

“I think the women who have the confidence to do that sort of thing are extremely sexy. The women who are the best at it also tend to be very intelligent, and I find that trait appealing as well. In the heat of the moment, I tend to talk dirty to them: call them dirty names, tell them that they’re slutty, that they fuck like porn stars, that they’re dirty cheating cock whores. I’m sure most people would assume that’s just me wanting to degrade them, but actually I think it’s the opposite. I guess that’s just how I view a sort of alpha female, a woman who’s able to use her sexuality to the utmost and do whatever she wants. I admire it and am aroused by it,” he told me. “I don’t see myself giving up that dirty talk, ever.”

By Madeleine Broome

Editors Note:  This article is a reprint from Issue 1 of FEMDOM Magazine, released February, 2009. We felt it was fitting to reprint it in our final regular issue.  Part two of this article can be found in Issue 2, accessible by clicking on the ‘past issues’ icon on our website.

In contrast to the planned, themed Femdom sims today’s SL newcomer can find in just a few clicks, early SL Femdoms grew as adjuncts and afterthoughts.

Just ask MsX Shackle, the owner of the House of X, a Femdom where many SL residents who have been around a couple years got their start.

“House of X was an accident,” Shackle said of its beginning in the summer of 2006.

Shackle was new to SL and had invited a boy she new from orgasmdenial.com with her. He began building a home for them.

“One day I was changing and people started TPing in,” she said. “I was like, ‘hi.’” Her friend, she’d discovered, had listed the place as a “Femdom house.”

Shackle was not thrilled with her new found notoriety, even though it was the result of the boy trying to help her in her stated desire to meet new people. Shackle wasn’t even comfortable with the term “Femdom,” preferring to call what she enjoyed “female-led relationships.” (See Shackle’s further explanation of the difference in her narrative on Page X.)

As long as she already had the traffic, however, he set out to create a place where the dungeon wasn’t the main focus, a place without heavy protocols or non-stop roleplay. For lack of something better, she stated calling the place “House of X.”

At the time, the only other “female-led” location Shackle knew of was Nadia Ellison’s Domina Palace.

“I went over there once or twice and found it more ‘strict’ than I was,” she said. “I tried hard to maintain a casual atmosphere at the House of X because that was me.”

This casual atmosphere led to the creation of a Code of Conduct including such guidelines as “Respect the principles of Femdom. If you aren’t sure what Femdom is, just ask,” and “respect all visitors, male and female, transgender, furry, etc.”. Male Dom guests were welcome, but Domination by males was prohibited, as were escort services.

The last was in contrast to what Shackle saw as the dominant model in SL BDSM – escort and club centered houses.

And the traffic kept rolling in. “There was a huge demand,” she said. “And House of X was the only place that even started to meet people’s needs. People wanted events and slave auctions and all sorts of other things I didn’t want to organize. I mostly wanted to greet people and talk to them and help people feel comfortable and learn.”

But where were these people coming from? If the interest in Femdom was proving concerted, the population prior to the House of X heydays certainly wasn’t. But that’s not to say that BDSM in general wasn’t already alive and thriving.

“There were tons of dungeons, but I was never much interested in that,” said Firey Indigo, co-founder of Femdom Reality and BDSM-Lost Eden which opened the end of January. She too admits always being more interested in the social side of the community. It was that social side, early on, that was getting short shrift. According to Indigo and the other driving force behind Femdom Reality and BDSM-Lost Eden, Spartacus Karu, the first big meeting place was the Master and Slave Toy Store owned by Ashley Petunia. Although it became a place to gather socially, it was first and foremost a place of commerce. Petunia even kept a stable of slaves she rented.

The crowd beginning to gather was drawing from a variety of traditions. Edgier customers were turning up from Sociolotron; Goreans were transferring their elaborate text interactions from IRC; Vampires and lycans where switching to SL from the similarly text-based Multi-User Dungeons (MUDs); and Generalists of all kinds were coming from other online worlds like There.com, WoW, Active Worlds, and Palace.com.

While many roads still lead to SL BDSM, they are new roads, according to Karu.

“The difference now is the influx is not from people who did it online in other places, but from the fully closeted people who are new to virtual worlds and look for orientation. [They have] a limited outflux to real life but many claim to be real life to feel more or appear more secure in how they perform their fantasies.” He also sees a current influx from sites like alt.com and collarme.com that are not fully established communities like There or Palace.

Dibbis Pollack, a near-five year SL veteran admits he never joined for any reason other than to play. Even though when he joined having 20,000 online at one time was a big day, the first person he managed to meet was a Domme. He found himself collared right away.

He remembers Femdom places when he started, but they came and went quickly. “There was not a place with any staying power at that point,” he said, noting that the change in longevity has really only been in the last two years.

“The focus went from being about individuals to being about communities,” Pollack said.

One of those former “Thereians” was online slave trainer and real life professional Domme Catz Alexander, who currently runs a slave training facility at the sim Angelz High, where she has been for more than three years. She was previously the state slave training at the OWK in SL sim, and currently trains for Beaumont Estates, OWK Other World Kingdom, and The Mistresses Femdom. February will mark Alexander’s fourth year in SL. Since 2005, she has kept the same skin, the same shape, the same lack of animation overrider, and the same trademark smile that was custom made for her.

She began her SL journey at Black Thong Mistresses at a time when SL had no voice and no “flexi” anything. Typing was the only means of communication and emoting skills were prized. She also became heavily involved in Liberty City, an early Femdom-like sim that Alexander described as “upside down Gor.” The ideals were similar, but the women ruled and not the men.

Many features common in today’s Femdoms were already recognizable, however. Liberty City had its share of ponies and state slaves, along with its own pampering area. As the leadership changed and the sim became more Gorean, Alexander moved on.

Liberty City was also where Alexander first met Javier Puff, the creator of Xcite toys. Alexander described with appreciation the work Puff put into making toys that looked and functioned in real life. Alexander admits, though, that the toys and equipment available when she began SL are not as functional as they are now.

“Things really needed to be emoted and they really needed to be spoken,” she said. “Now, if you didn’t know what you were doing from real life, then you were at a loss.”

Pollack agreed that the lack of voice and change in toys have changed the scene, but the same skills are still important.

“Playing online is easier. It makes it easier to have a quick fix. If you are just looking to get off, you can do that here.” But too much reliance on toys and the like become run of the mill.

“Being able to write a coherent sentence is a skill. Being able to speak a coherent sentence is different skill.” Pollack said.

Many cite 2005 and 2006 as being a time for learning and establishing social norms, more so than following rules. Geo Akina fondly recalled House of X and Domina Palace as his first Femdom experiences. He also recalled a more relaxed attitude toward Femdom in general.

“I could have been collared three times a day at that time,” he said. But no one expected such collarings to last. “I guess it’s becoming more deep in feelings than before. Femdom places are becoming more deep in relations and I think it’s a good way for people who are trying to find something.”

But he also remembers the early gatherings as having more of an emphasis on fun, dancing, and joking around.

Alexander too found Domina Place and stayed there for about a year and a half, eventually gaining managerial powers, such as the codes for opening the palace’s cages and floor pits.

“That was my spot,” Alexander said, and so it remained until Ellison became busy with the real life BDSM organization Black Rose and the population at Domina suffered.

Alexander and Indigo both also found The Forum, a more general BDSM social area that was “the” place to be.

“A lot of people went there before they went anywhere else,” Alexander said. By the time House of X was opening in 2006, The Forum was already listed as one of the Top 20 trafficked spots in SL, according to Karu, one of its founders.

“Forum was a statement,” he said. It was meant to contrast with the heavy roleplaying venues of 2004 that were emerging from the vampire and Gor sims and the pro-Domme areas that dominated the Femdom scene in 2005. It was also meant to take BDSM away from the close ties to shops like Master and Slave or Black Rose. In short, it was designed to be more like a real life gathering – a munch and not a fetish party.

Indigo recalled, around this same time, finding Heart of the Ocean and making it her home because of the companionship, discussions and parties.

“It was full of people who wanted to be part of Femdom, but didn’t want to be part of the heavy brigade,” she said. Similar, community-based sims began popping up such as Velvet Thorn, Bouddicea, and Rising Phoenix.

But the “heavy brigade” was coming into its own, too.

“OWK was a big change,” Akina said, noting that it represented the start of interactions becoming formal.

Emblematic of this changed was the opening of the OWK in SL sim, an online version of the Czech Other World Kingdom pro-Domme house. This was the culmination, Karu said, of people taking out their closet fantasies and making them what they “live” in SL.

“Very few places were saying ‘We want to stay more open and show diversity, all the approaches to female dominance’” he said.

Coming in our next edition, see what this change meant for the Femdom community and where we can expect to go from here.

##30##

1. So this is FEMDOM Magazine’s last regular issue. What does that mean and why is it happening now?

The “last regular issue” means that we aren’t quite ready to halt production altogether. However we are going to alleviate the pressure to put out issues on a regular basis. We’ll maybe do one or two a year as long as the interest is there from our team and from our readership. We may also publish articles and pictorials from time to time on the website, but only when we feel inspired, not to meet a particular deadline. The website will remain live indefinitely. A lot of the info is not time sensitive, and will be there as a resource for those who are interested. We’ve put out some pretty outstanding stuff over the years and it would be a shame to not have it accessible.

The main reason we are stopping now is really lack of enthusiasm from our team. We’ve been there; we’ve talked to everyone and their sister. We’ve seen that and done it and done it again. Femdom in Second Life is relatively small, and although it has changed and evolved over time to a certain degree, it still has become increasingly difficult to find fresh angles or even new people of interest to interview. We’ve tried to expand our sphere by venturing out of Second Life more, but that brings its own challenges that have been difficult to manage. It’s hard to find people to do real time interviews and footwork and of course there are also privacy and legal issues. But primarily, everyone is ready to focus on new challenges. We’ve had a great run, and it just feels like the time is right.

2. You’re the owner of one of SL’s largest Femdom communities. When so many fail, what keeps The Dominion thriving?

The Dominion has an outstanding core of people, on staff and off, who are dedicated to supporting our community. We’ve also worked hard to be consistent and professional. Our staff makes sure the “show does go on” and “real life” doesn’t trump our committments here. That attitude, that what we do here is as important as anything else, really has made Dominion stand out over the years. I am also very proud of the innovative programs and events we have put together, including our Mistress Mentoring program, our Confessions writing event, and countless fantastic discussions and special productions. Our team was the first to do so many things here in SL and I have been flattered to see others follow suit.

3. The Dominion has been called everything from “high protocol” to “abusive” because of its rules concerning submissives’ conduct. Should subs be worried about showing up alone?

LIke any place that’s been around for more than a hot minute, we have had incidents of abuse, personal disputes, and all sorts of other problems over the years. We work hard to deal with every incident in a fair manner. Every complaint notecarded to me is dealt with, although maybe not in a way that makes everyone happy. Do we have a higher number of ejects and bans? Sure we do. But that is simply because we actually enforce our few simple rules and expect a certain level of polite and attentive conduct.. Dominion is the big league of SL Femdom and if you can’t bring your A game, then yes, you probably should be worried about coming here. But if you read the rules, pay attention, and are respectful, you’ll do fine. We’re worth you being at your best. Really.

4. What have you found most surprising about online BDSM communities after three and a half years at The Dominion and more than 3600 group members?

Passivity. So many people view Second Life as a passive experience, like watching television. They simply flip the channel when they are bored. Of course, this extends outside of the BDSM communities. A number of years ago I read a Vanity Fair interview with the late Brooke Astor, a New York socialite. Astor gave etiquette advice for dinner parties. One of the things that stuck in my head was her belief that every guest at the dinner table was obliged to sing for his or her supper and contribute to the evening. That has been something I’ve always remembered, and that I wish more people would practice, particularly in SL. If you come to the party and want to partake, you have an obligation to bring something to the table. Unfortunately in SL, there are nowhere near enough people contributing to the conversation. Too many are just here for the free lunch.

5. You’ve been an SL entrepreneur, working not only in the BDSM community, but also on your fashion enterprise, Valentina E. Are we using SL to its full potential?

No. We are at the very beginning stages of 3D online social networking. I really do believe we are pioneers. SL is just the first primitive taste of what is to come. Still, I think we could be doing more using what we have at present. I’d like to see more big events, more people getting involved, more real time/Second Life crossover. We are limited by lag and sim limits, but the biggest problem to overcome is passivity (see above). Maybe if the economy bounces back people will have more resources, time and energy to help realize SL’s potential. Or perhaps something else will come along that will inspire people more than this particular platform.

6. On a personal level, when and under what circumstances did you realize you were a dominant woman?

Well, if you mean dominant in a general way, I’ve known that as long as I can recall, although it hasn’t always been referred to as politely as “being dominant.” Maybe that’s because I didn’t used to be as subtle as I am now. *coughs* I’ve always enjoyed planning, creating, organizing, and calling the shots, personally and professionally. Having to sit back and let others lead generally gives me a rash, but only when I think I can do better than you can. With people whose talent I admire and respect, I am usually (hopefully) smart enough to shut up and sit in the back seat. I still might want to tell you how to drive from time to time, but feel free to turn around and throw something at me.

In a D/s sense, I have had kinky fantasies since puberty. I don’t know why. I had a happy, well-adjusted childhood with no mean neighbour kids tying me up. I never came across any kinky porn in my parent’s nightstand. I can only speculate that it is the way I am wired. For a long time, I actually thought there was something wrong with me and tried to ignore and suppress my desires. Boyfriends who slapped away my hands when I tried to play with their asses or tie them up didn’t help. I have two things to thank for my self discovery: my local gay community, which exposed me to my first kink experiences, and the Internet, which gave me my first images of female domination, even if they were unrealistic stereotypes. There were others like me out there and now I had a name for it all!

It’s funny how things sort of go full circle. Part of my self discovery was online and now I am online in SL exploring kink with others and in some instances, helping people discover it. Cool, huh? Awhile ago we had the author, sex educator, and shibari artist Midori in to Second Life for an interview. One of the things she said that struck home was that she was dedicated to kink “shame reduction.” SL is a powerful tool in helping people discover kink and to hopefully combat any shame and embrace who they are. It’s amazing to be a part of it.

7. What is the biggest misconception about you and why do you think it’s out there?

I have no idea! I never get out! Everyone loves me and thinks I’m wonderful, right? That’s right.

8. What makes you the most proud?

The people who call Dominion home. We have some smart, talented, amazing people here and the fact that they choose to invest their time here, to wear the Dominion tag, really does make me very proud. I’m also immensely proud and grateful for the love and friendship I’ve found here. It’s been dazzling and life changing.

9. What is your biggest unfulfilled desire?

There are people I’ve met in SL I want to meet, to hug, whose eyes I want to look in to while I say “I love you.” In some cases, that may happen. In others it’s not likely, which is heartbreaking. But then, we don’t always get our heart’s desires, do we?

10. Ok…seriously now…what’s with the squirrel-partner named “Maztor”?

Hahaha. . . well Maz followed friends to SL from some Star Wars game in 2005. Everyone in that group was into SL Gor roleplay and had titles so he picked the name “Maztor.” He’s not even in to BDSM! We had a lovely vanilla romantic relationship when I first came to SL that has morphed in to something akin to family over the years. He is one of the most important people in my life. As for his squirrel avatar, let’s just say that’s his statement on some of the stuff he sees in SL. Plus of course, he’s adorable and gets away with murder. He might think SL is a teensy bit ridiculous at times. But what does he know. He’s just a squirrel.

By Dorsel Finn
Photos by Kim Dench

As quickly as SL changes, it’s difficult to even know your Femdom options. I recently took a stroll through the majority of the Femdoms that SL offers, each with its own interpretation of Dominance and submission. Here’s what and whom I found on the scene:

Femme’S

Owner: Madame ZaiA Weezles

I asked ZaiA Weezles about the inspiration for her French-languge sim, Femme’S, which was preparing for its opening at the time of my visit. She told me that she is “trying to make Mistresses and subs thinking about their real wishes and desires.”

Upon arrival, I noticed the majestic staircase leading to the mansion. Inside was a large room with a grand piano. I learned to play while there – isn’t Second Life great! Madame ZaiA created the sim as a “platform area for Mistresses and subs to find points of connection and use this as a platform area for discovering different ways of sharing their D/s relationships.”

Despite being new, the group has grown quickly.

“Quantity is not really my goal,” Madame ZaiA stated. “I wanted a sim for Mistresses and subs to share their experiences.”

The group has no fee to join, but a tip jar is present for contributions to the sim expenses.

Madame ZaiA is planning to have some themed discussions lead in voice. Features include Femdom-based photography, a private area to have some BDSM scenes, and a games area.

Strict Venus

Strict Venus

Owner: Kika Yongo

The next stop was the Strict Venus, a sim modeled for the Goddess of Love.

“the Strict Venus is intended to be a friendly Femdom SIM,” Kika Yongo stated. “Our welcome card states, on its first line ‘Strict Venus is a Femdom land where safe, sane, [and] consensual (and fun) are the basic rules, along with respect for the others. We are welcoming and nice in approach, but strict in applying the basic rule of mutual respect. That is how we keep the sim working.”

This sim was built with an eye toward beautiful, detailed, accurate buildings and a light spirit that brightens up the sim. Visitors generally agree that the Strict Venus is a fun place and people generally feel at home here.

Although barely a year old, the Strict Venus has already moved once, first on the sim Moustique. When it opened last June and later, in September, on the sim Behold. Within its first year, the group, which is free to join, has grown to 460 members. The only restriction to membership is to follow the sim rules and behave accordingly. Voice verifications are provided.

Strict Venus has two dance parties per week, soon growing to three. They have special themed parties such as a recent salsa party. Friday nights there is a dance party with DJ Squishy at 2PM SLT and on Sundays another dance with DJ Purple. Because all the parties are themed, the group receives notices about what sort of costume to wear. The Strict Venus also offers BDSM-based discussions bi-weekly with a moderator, on Fridays at 12PM SLT. Occasional activities include game tournaments and poetry competitions. Activities are listed on the Strict Venus blog: http://strictvenus.blogspot.it/.

Velvet Thorn

Owner : Starsong Bright

The Velvet Thorn is a friendly, lighthearted Femdom where people are encouraged to explore their sexuality and meet others who share similar kinks. It encourages people to feel safe to open up and learn about themselves and others.

“Velvet Thorn (VT) is much less rule-bound than many Femdoms,” said owner Starsong Bright. “While we expect submissives to be polite and respectful, we also accept that everyone logs into SL as equals and that, when done right, Femdom is an exchange of power from submissive to Dominant. For this reason we do not expect submissives to kneel to just anyone or force them to obey a strange dominant against their will.”

VT opened officially in February 2008 and is one the larger Femdoms in Second Life with over 5000 members. Starsong, who is also a Mistress in real life, mentioned that she goes through the group periodically and removes anybody who hasn’t logged into SL for 9-12 months. [Editor’s note: At the time of publication, it appeared that Velvet Thorn has instituted a 250L membership fee.]

The sim offers a variety of activities, varying from regular dances, to discussions and workshops, and even sub hunts.

“VT is a very inclusive community,” Starsong stated when asked what differentiated it from other sims. “It’s a very busy place so you will always find someone around to chat with.”

Mad@m French Femdom

Mad@me

Owner- Amylee Ghost

The Mad@me sim is French-based Femdom that Amylee Ghost opened on March 8, 2012 as a place for French Dommes and subs to meet and share experiences.

She explained that the differentiating factor for this sim in the French heritage. It caters to French speakers who aren’t fluent in English, like Amylee herself, and offers a build with a French and feminine touch.

“I wanted an elegant, smart, and caring place for all members,” she stated.

She noted that while the sim is new, she hopes it will have all of those attributes in time. The group, currently at about 100 members, continues to grow. There are no group fees, but only the members that are supportive of the sim are allowed to provide Domme or Sub tags to new members.

The sim continues to grow, Amylee expects to add more events. But for now this sim is just a place to talk, play, and enjoy the company of a wonderful French Domme or nice sub boys and girls.

Future Femdom

Owner – Ginette Pinazzo

Future Femdom is a societal matriarchy where all men are bred to worship all women. This is a public, societal movement, an evolution of new wave feminism, and a global gender-role redefinition, in every realm from the workplace to the community. It promotes a peaceful future of Sisterhood, where women lead, and men work together to worship and love the women.

Sim owner, Ginette Pinazzo stated that Future Femdom is about a Sisterhood coming together for the sake of unity and peace.

We asked Ginette what differentiates this sim from other Femdoms.

“We do not condone slave ownership, as this is a societal movement,” she said. “All men are taught to freely worship all sisters. Individual slave ownership actually prioritizes men and that undermines progressive Sisterhood.”

Nonconsensual acts of any type, or negative behaviors, are not condoned and therefore worship is based on love and passion, never fear or punishment.

“We do not condone imprisonments, chastity or other such restraints as men must be strong and free to worship best and with passion,” she said, adding that the future has wonderful use for energetic men, not for statues.

In one form or another, Future Femdom has been in Second Life for about 4 years. There are approximately 1000 members and no fees membership fees. General support of many types is expected. Involvement and respect for the principles is expected on this sim. Violations of the rules can result in banning, but those banned can work under a Labor System to become accepted members again.

Future Femdom offers countless ways to play with slaves, from gentle to not-so-gentle! The sim has relaxation/meditation areas, exercise areas, art and music areas, reading areas, games and the most unusual and futuristic toys anywhere! They also have many group play options

Future Femdom is also known for its Shrunken Slave system which it sells and markets. This is a fun way to make men even tinier (as if they need that) and allows for some fantastical ways to play with men. There is also a toy city called Micropolis, designed for play with the shrunken slaves.

Ginette stated that her sim is about love and passion, and coming together for a peaceful future.

“It’s about casting aside the old-fashioned prioritization of men, and breathing the air of freedom. It’s about taking responsibility for the world and leading it as only we can.”

The Dominion

Owner – Evangeline Eames

The Dominion is a female-run community based in the virtual world of Second Life, but the reach of the membership extends far past virtual borders with “Dominion On Tour” (a series of real life meet-ups among members) and a thriving Fetlife.com group.

“The Dominion is filled with friendships and D/s relationships that transcend the virtual or ‘online only’ experience,” Eva stated. “Our community is focused on peer support, respect, and of course, fun!”

She stated that what differentiates The Dominion from other Femdom sims is its people.

“The staff and regulars include many Dommes and subs with extensive experience who are devoted to sharing their knowledge with our community,” she said.

The Dominion has well over a dozen events each week hosted by various members, Dommes and subs.

“We have a ‘the show must go on’ policy at The Dominion with only a few events ever cancelled in our 31/2 years. Our community takes our SL seriously,” Eva said.

Parties, discussions, games, mentoring and support, are all regular activities. There are a wide variety of events on the Dominion calendar at www.DominionFemdom.com. The Friday themed parties are very well attended, as is the Femdom Confessions event, which has generated over 1000 written contributions from members over the years (http://femdomconfessions.blogspot.com).

The Dominion opened in November, 2008 and now has roughly 3500 members. There is a 250L fee to join and the only requirement is respect and adherence to the rules and Femdom environment. The fee is charged to provide a small deterrent to those who are just looking for hookups or to cause trouble with alts. The Dominion does not have tip jars for, and does not accept, donations. Sub auctions are a wildly popular event held at The Dominion every other weekend and proceeds are used to help support the sim. Eva talks with pride of the fact that members are not asked to contribute, and only do so voluntarily through auctions.

Eva is proud of the amazing community that has developed around this sim and she looks forward toseeing what the future holds.

“We are having our first Dominion baby! Well the first I know about anyways! It’s always exciting to hear about our members finding a match that continues ‘offline.’”

Casa de Femdom

The Mistresses

Owner – Lizbeth Nimbus

The Mistresses Femdom (aka TMS) is a “sim that does not role play but real plays.”

“Its main aim is to build a community where Mistresses can be assured that their owned boys will have both their ownership and the restrictions placed by their Mistresses supported and followed by the Sisters of this Femdom,” owner Lizbeth Nimbus stated. “All submissives will be treated with respect”.

The focus of this sim is solely Female Dominants and only male submissives. The members expect males to look and act male which is different than most every other Femdom sim in Second Life. The only female submissives that are allowed to become members are those that are subs of Mistress Members.

“We do not cater for sissies and transgenders,” Lizbeth stated. “There are other sims in SL that cater to those relationships or preferences and we are happy to recommend those based on an individual’s expressed preferences.”

The Mistresses just celebrated its 4th Year in SL on May 25 to 27, 2012. It currently has more than 600 members. TMS does charge a onetime fee of 1000L to join the group.

“It is not our desire to be a large, nor money-making, group,” Lizbeth said. “The fees help towards the monthly tier and event activities. Paying for membership shows that the members are supportive and sincere about their lifestyle enough to contribute to it. We are a drama-free group and this helps us keep it that way.”

New members are not expected to join immediately, but are encouraged to visit several times to see if it is a fit.

There is a monthly calendar of events in view for all to see. The calendar covers the activities for the entire month ranging from; the Training Programme, slave sports, fetish or reform school (at times), open discussions, TMS Prison with its anonymous Guardesses, impromptu training discussions or play sessions, themed parties, tribute shows, dances in the TMS Nightclub, occasional live singers, fishing, and Greedy Greedy and Can’t Stop Tournaments.

“There is a close knit relationship between our members (that is not clique-y) bringing us together as one large family,” Lizbeth said. “We welcome new visitors and they are welcome to participate in all our activities.”

“We have just had a new face lift so make sure you come and check out the differences and the many new additions.”

Femdom La Fortezza

(Editor’s Note:  Other Femdoms were asked to participate but did not respond by our deadline.)

By Pamela Emmons
Photo by Kim Dench

Log on and learn. . . about yourself.

It was not that long ago that people had to leave their homes to engage in certain activities.

Shopping required a trip to the store. Reading an indepth analysis of world events, or finding out about the latest fashion trends required a trip to the magazine stand. Meeting people from your past or outside your daily routine required attending a function or event. Then someone had the bright idea (Al Gore?) to hook all of our personal computers together over this internet thingy.

For people engaging in any number of alternative lifestyles, this has changed everything. The world has become a searchable warehouse of people, ideas and resources previously hidden or out of reach. Isolated individuals once adrift in a sea of “normals” may not have even known there were like-minded people out there. Today these individuals have the opportunity to actively participate in vast virtual communities, no matter their location or physical limits.

For people seeking D/s relationships, the more cerebral experience of meeting online rather than in a BDSM establishment seems tailor-made. It enables people to initially engage based on their interests and their desires, rather than their physical presentation. They can vet their limits together, and essentially get the complicated stuff out of the way. When they meet in real life, of course there can be deal-breaking disappointment. But often the psychosexual chemistry established by a successful online courtship turbo charges the relationship in such a way that physical traits become far less important.

'Sunday Walk' by Kim Dench

Likewise, people who have only experienced a D/s relationship online may find the reality of living with a dominant or submissive partner overwhelmingly intense and exhausting. Those accustomed to three quarters of their day being vanilla while living their D/s fantasy out at night between dinner and bedtime, will be faced with a very different reality than the non-stop, steamy leather scented existence they pictured in their minds. But THAT is a whole other article.

With all that the internet offers us in terms of goods, services and relationships, when you ask D/s people about how being online has affected them, the discussion often veers off to the subject of self-discovery. Yes, it is amazing to find out people are putting coke cans up their asses. It’s convenient and liberating to shop for kinky toys in private. But people are often most intrigued and surprised by what they learn about themselves.

“Experimenting with new experiences online really helped to open me up,” said Nuala MacMoragh, an SL escort who also offers phone domination in RL. “Being on SL exposed me to a huge variety of fetishes, some of which I never thought would flip my switch. Without exploration online, I never would have known that I derived pleasure from being sadistic.”

“Recently I made the move from being bi-curious to being in a relationship with another woman,” Nuala continued. “This isn’t something I ever thought I’d actually live out, but just assumed that it would remain relegated to my fantasy world.”

Online relationships are also good for pacing yourself. Putting your toe in the figurative body of water, and then slowly wading in can give you the opportunity to examine and evaluate your feelings. Some prefer this approach as opposed to diving right in with no knowledge of how deep and how cold the pool is.

“I had always been fascinated by scenes and stories about being captured and overpowered without understanding why I was intrigued,” said Jaymes Darwinian, a submissive in Second Life. “The internet and interacting with people online exposed me to BDSM. I now understand why I feel this way and I have a release for these desires.”

Coco Firanelli, a female dominant in Second Life compares the opportunity to engage online as a kind of epiphany.

“For about 20 years I thought I was the only Goddess in the world,” said Coco. “Now I know I am not so unusual… there are others out there like me.”

When asked if not feeling so abnormal brought her some emotional relief, she replied, “Oh, I still feel abnormal, but it no longer bothers me.”

By Nuala MacMoragh

By Sue Rozen

(Editor’s Note:  This article is a reprint from Issue 6, which we felt was important enough to include in our final regular issue.)

During mentoring sessions with new or less-experienced Dommes, when I mention subspace, the reply I often get is, “What is that?”

The subspace and aftercare are topics that tops playing in SL are often unaware of. To ensure everyone is safe and happy, however, Dommes need to have a woking knowledge of what subspace is, what causes it, how to identify if a sub is in subspace when playing and how to spot the signs of sub-drop.

D/s is all-encompassing in the sense that it’s not just about scenes, highs, fun, pain, control, and all the exciting things we do. It’s about real people, and their needs and wants. A conscientious dominant will know that she is responsible for her submissive’s well-being and care. Part of that responsibility involves knowing what can happen to her sub when he interacts with his dominant. As a scientist who has both personal D/s experience and the benefit of research into subjects such as human physiology and biochemistry, I’ll try to share practical tips while working in the science-y stuff.

~~ Firstly, what is subspace? ~~

Subspace (also called headspace, flying, or floating) is the name given to the state the submissive’s mind and body is in during a deeply involved play scene. It is an elusive and sought after space that is the holy grail of many submissives. Many types of BDSM play invoke strong physical responses. The psychological aspect of BDSM also causes many submissives to mentally separate themselves from their environment as they process the experience. Deep subspace is often characterized as a state of deep recession and incoherence.

Deep subspace may also cause a danger in newer submissives who are unfamiliar with the experience. The experience requires the dominant to keep a careful watch to ensure the submissive isn’t placing him- or herself in danger.

~~ How does this happen? [Hold on to your seats, this is the science-y bit!] ~~

During the scene, the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of adrenaline in the sub’s body. Other chemical messengers such as endorphins and enkephalins (natural pain relievers) are also released, and these natural chemicals, part of the fight or flight response (the stress response of the body), produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug.

These chemicals have the effect on the brain of increasing the sumbissive’s pain tolerance as the scene becomes more intense. A sort of trance-like state is produced in the sub due to the increase of hormones and chemicals. The submissive starts to feel out-of-body, detached from reality, like he or she is floating or flying. Many submissives, on reaching a height of subspace, will lose all sensation of pain, as any stimulus causes the period to prolong. As the high comes down, and the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in (to counteract the effects of the aforementioned chemicals), a deep exhaustion, as well as incoherence may result. This is when aftercare becomes important to the well-being of the submissive.

~~ Ok, that’s all well and good, but what does this mean in reality? ~~

Submissives that are deeply in subspace can often have their ability to communicate impaired. This means that they may not be able to use their safewords/safe-signals when they are heading into dangerous territory. In fact they may not even be aware they are heading into dangerous territory!

This reduced or impaired ability to communicate with the tops, combined with the fact that the subs may no longer be able to feel pain due to the high levels of endorphins rushing through their bodies, could mean that subs could be hurt or damaged during scenes. If, for example, a less experienced top is dealing with a sub who has gone deeply into subspace, and doesn’t know what signals to watch for, that top may take the physical aspect of the play too far, all the while waiting for s safeword from the sub that the sub is incapable of giving.

~~ So, what do I look out for? What are the signs that a sub is in subspace? ~~

Just like anything else, signs of subspace can vary from individual to individual. The length of time taken to go into subspace, and the types of activities that can take a sub into subspace are often specific to the individual sub. For some, it takes a long time and quite a deal of physical stimulation, whereas for other subs, merely hearing their tops’ voices or being touched by the tops can have them floating off.

But there are a few tell tale signs: The submissive may become less verbal in communication as he enters the more “feral” state of subspace. The top may notice that the sub’s ability to speak and to use words to communicate how he or she feels is reduced, and the sub may only communicate in grunts or moans (which, let’s face it, are difficult to interpret). There are often changes in skin tone; eyes may roll back in the head. The body may go limp and floppy (which is at odds with the muscle tensing that would generally be expected with physical punishment). After a time with a sub, the top will come to recognise the signs of that individual’s subspace.

The endorphin-mixed-with-adrenaline high that is experienced by the submissive is often compared to a drug-induced high and can be addictive for the submissive. Think of it as something akin to “runner’s high.” Indeed, a sub in subspace can often beg for more of the physical stimulation that got and keeps him there without the knowledge that this could result in harm. This is where the dominant needs to keep control of the situation, and bring the sub safely down from the high.

~~ Now that I know what to look for, what should I do? ~~

It can be damaging for a sub in subspace, to just be left, cold-turkey as it were, without being brought safely “back down to earth.”

A dominant that is unaware of subspace and its physical and psychological impact on her sub, may just up and leave after a scene, with the sub possibly still in subspace. It’s not good enough to just untie the binds, and leave. It is the top’s responsibility to spend time bringing the sub back down: gradually lessening the stimulation, talking the sub back to earth, giving the sub affection and reassurance, telling him that he’s done good job, and giving lots of hugs and kisses to accompany the sub’s journey back down, for example.

Exhaustion will often accompany the sub coming down from subspace. So the dominant may have to provide a safe environment for the submissive to sleep and regain strength. Leaving a sub in subspace, where the sub’s still flying and buzzing in an out-of-body experience, can be dangerous. For example, imagine a sub, still in subspace trying to drive a car. They sub doesn’t have the requisite concentration and ability to perform such a complex task, and by not grounding the sub before letting him or her leave, the top could be putting the sub in danger.

Now, you may be thinking, “Well I only interact with my submissives online, I don’t need to worry about this.”

But that’s not necessarily true. Subs in cyber-relationships enter subspace just as easily and fully as those in RL situations. And as the domme in a cyber D/s relationship cannot often see her sub, she needs to rely on other methods to determine if the sub is brought down again after a scene. In this case, the voice is the best tool available to the Domme – she needs to get to know her sub’s voice intonations and how they change while in subspace, so that she can safely determine when the sub is again grounded. Where a scene is done in text alone, the communication that occurs in-scene and following the scene, in aftercare, between sub and Domme is similarly critical to the sub’s well-being.

~~ I got the picture — But what is subdrop? ~~

Even after the most carefully applied aftercare, some residual effects of the subspace experience can still remain with the submissive. The phenomenon of “sub-drop” is the name given to the drop or low that a sub (or indeed a dominant, but that’s another discussion) can experience in the hours or even days after an intense BDSM scene. The term subdrop is generally applied to the ”negative” effects or depressive state that a sub can experience after a scene. The causes are manifold, it can be a physical reaction to the adrenaline and endorphins leaving the body. For those raised in a very traditional environment the resulting drop may be associated with feelings of guilt or shame.

Subdrop may manifest itself in may different ways – there could be tears, irrational fears expressed by the sub, or a sub may feel sad or lonely in the hours or days after leaving the dominant. Subdrop could be compared to shock in a way, and the treatment is much the same. The dominant should provide as environment for her submissive in which the sub can express his or her feelings and receive the domme’s attention (after all, the dominant is at least party responsible for getting the sub into this place). The Domme should watch for signs of distress, and try to understand what the sub needs from her – bearing in mind that this may be different depending on the sub.

The point of aftercare is to make the sub feel accepted, wanted, safe, secure and comfortable. With consistent application, good aftercare will help grow the trust between Domme and sub, and will help the relationship to blossom and reach new heights, as the sub will know that the Domme has his best interests in mind, has an understanding of what’s happening to him and will do her best to alleviate any negative situations that may develop.

A good and caring Domme will always have the care of her sub foremost in her mind. By all means take the pleasure, that’s what D/s is about – but don’t take and give nothing back. The D/s experience should be rewarding and pleasurable for both the dominant and submissive. Dominants and submissives equipoise each other – and this balance cannot be dismissed or forgotten. It’s about mutual trust and understanding, and while both parties are charged with trying to understand each other, in this case much of the responsibility lies with the Domme to provide the lead, and the consistency which the submissive craves so much in life. The submissive however is not without responsibility in relation to subdrop and aftercare, the sub must communicate needs and feelings to the Domme openly and honestly, so that the Domme can take the necessary actions to care for her sub.

By providing good aftercare, the sub will know that the Domme provides a safe environment in which these topics can be discussed without fear and in full honesty. A Domme who understands subspace – its thrills as well as its pitfalls – can get the very best from her submissive, and therefore the best experience for herself, from which everyone wins.